Posts Tagged ‘truth’

Many of my first blogs were about my life and struggles with bullies and miss conceptions. The processes and journeys made by myself and surgery awell as the determination to succeed.

This is an update if you like….. my operations from 35 years ago have decided to collapse.Yeah you have read right !!!, my face from forehead to jaw line has been built on a wire mesh (chicken wire) like stuff. And for reasons best known too others it has collapsed and twisted.

 My nose has dropped around 4 inches , eye socket has shifted and high cheek bone around socket flattened out. I now have a ridge in my palate on the roof of my mouth and the entire physiology of my skull has been affected. The shifting of the above has worsened my Fybro Myralga symptoms and created others as well.

I am presently under Maxi Facial clinic in Newcastle 9+ months and no further forward. No medical records have been obtained and it’s taken 8+ months for photos to be taken. The consultant in charge doesn’t seem to have a clue what too do. And is not following the NHS’s own process or procedures properly.

I am very aware that the type of surgery I have had and that I require is very specialised and dare I say it rare.But there are processes and procedures to be followed and we would be a lot further followed. I know this because I am a qualified nurse as well as 40 years experience of my condition and surgeries.

Because of this I am having to apply for a Personal independence Plan (pip) which is a government based benefit for disabilities. Now you can’t see the damage or symptoms mostly internal and physical . So some in aware specialist without appropriate will have to decide my fate.

I was a very popular and busy personal trainer but die to this issue a)It’s not safe to be lifting weights and taking classes (b) the symptoms are causing severe issues  (c) pain and discomfort as well as anxiety and distress. All of which put working,Walking and social activities on a back burner.

I write this not for sympathy but awareness for others, I know I will get there and be bk too 100% soon enough. But there are people out there that are not able too see past there difficulties as easily. Please please please stay strong and be yourself at all times. These things are sent too test us and not define us. I am a proud father of 4 , ex  Scots  Guard,Nurse,Coach and Personal trainer.I write poetry and stories , trying to inspire others along the way as well as bring my children up the best way possible. I am not my face or condition I just sometimes have too stop and take a rest then go again when able.

We the Warriors will win the battles wars are events to over come by adapting they can and will be conquered.

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Wet nose on my face

That caring paw upon my chest

The high pitch bark and wagging tale

Full face smile with sparkling eyes

Those hugs and snuggles when ull or hurt 

My Big Red companion full of Irish grace

You may be larking over Rainbow bridge

With the four pawed brethren gone before

But your closer than ever nearer to me 

Deep in my heart and the memories dear

Big Red for ever from first day too last

Till we meet again on the pastures at last

Staring at the looking Glass

The figure dim looks back

The sullen look features  drooped

No sparkle in the eyes

Sagging skin and contorted format

Changes beyond belief

That sparkle gone and spark put out

No sign of life within

Its astounding how it’s all locked down

And hidden from plain sight

Grasping and fighting to get it back

A battle fought on an hourly round

That smile under pinned and replaced by frowns

The mask adorned as I step out the door

A sterling job is done

For those I see don’t find the real me

As they smile and joke along

Oh how I miss that tender me

Hidden deep inside

I know my strength and personable hew

Will return with a flash and bang

But the waiting kills a part of me 

With every second that pass

The sympathy of others just seems 

Too pound in another nail 

Oh how demoralising can it be 

To see that coffin built

No I am not physically dying

Just the fire inside

So don’t morn or cry for me

Look for the heart inside

Hazey  glazed optics

Electrified tingling nerves

Mental mist Clouding judgement

Depressive pain pushing down

Step by step muscles scream

Sinues shredded beyond repair

Medical endused palitive being 

Shopping done kids at play

Weapons drawn on a sunny day

Onwards and upwards the battle cry

Smile on my face song in my heart

This pain is defeated till morning light

Determined and willful onward strides

Warrior not victim the lion inside

Break down the walls flood the area with light

Don’t be disparaged get up and fight

Only a concept
Born by desire
Shooting through life
Flying higher and higher
Acheiving goals laying waste to challenges
The burning desire
To grow so bold
From the fire we cascade
Burning embers full of life
Energised and ready to go
Watch out world here we go

The Spark

Posted: January 29, 2016 in Random
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The Spark

That one person
Heart races palms are clammy
Dry mouthed you wait
Anticipation on which you thrive
Palpitations the glint in your eye
Spring like steps
Confidant appearance
That something special in the air
Crowds that bustle that disappear
Only when that person is near
The spark in your heart
Your reasons to live
That person you want to live your life with
Grasp tight never let go
For they are the one too help you grow
The power to your blade
And the meaning of life
Husband true or fairest wife
No matter the look
Orientation or creed
There is no replacement for those we need

By lights Guide

Rays kiss the earth
Waking stasis’s sleepy nature
Invigorating and enriching life
Sparking the freshness that welcomes all
Embellishing  the sky’s
With its pink hew
Birds strike up their song
And light glints through window pains
Up and at them it SHOUTS
Life is new day has dawned
I will warm you
Driving away cold and despair
With its collective joys
Grasp the day seize chances
By the guide of the light for all

The contempt you wield
For my existence
My loyalty too my life
The ability too strip me of dignity
My empowered soul screams
The assistance never arrives
Silent screaming of sinues
The howls from a troubled mind
You smirk at my attempts
To conform to the expected
Normalities guise is tattered
Damb you disfunction
Your mental physicality
Putrifies souls dragging them down
But I will not lie down
I will never cease to strive
I am a lion
The true warrior
Countermanding your orders
Is my right
This will defile your attempts
Throw asunder your reign
And allow me and my fellow sufferers
To live life too the full
And rise high out of your enforced mire pit
To emblazened highs never thought possible
We will win I will lead the contingents
I have and will forever
Dispell and devour your bile
So others do not have too
You may take our bodies and minds
But our freedoms are our own
To shine and make aware our brilliance

Scribbled on a page
Left to wilt with age
Filled with meanings
Heartfelt and true
Things Un said from me too you
The meaning of life
The purpose off strife
The keys to longevities joy
A story of truth
Secrets untold
Mysteries torn in two
I leave you these pages
As a guided instruction
An insight too the depths
Of my mindset and heart
Truelly opened too you from the start
I go in peace with joy and a smile
That I have taken my part
And carried with style
This world is yours
To traverse and enjoy
Take me with you deep in your heart
With eternal love I say good bye

Too
My child

Oath

Posted: October 20, 2015 in Random
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I solomly swear
To uphold
The honour of self
The ability of one

To fight day by day
Minute to hour
For the freedom deserved
To the end
Of journeys to be travelled

Accept my failings
Allow for others
Learn and adapt to all
Be myself and live true
No matter the case or cause

By this
I live with honour
Friend,foe or stranger
Dealt the same courtious pleasure
Welcomed with open arms
Weapons hidden from view
Sheethed for eternity
Swiftly drawn in defence of truth

This is my Oath
The pattern of life
Glowing free patriation
No matter place,time or reason
No evils or stresses bare
My life,my way by my rules