Posts Tagged ‘battles’

Many of my first blogs were about my life and struggles with bullies and miss conceptions. The processes and journeys made by myself and surgery awell as the determination to succeed.

This is an update if you like….. my operations from 35 years ago have decided to collapse.Yeah you have read right !!!, my face from forehead to jaw line has been built on a wire mesh (chicken wire) like stuff. And for reasons best known too others it has collapsed and twisted.

 My nose has dropped around 4 inches , eye socket has shifted and high cheek bone around socket flattened out. I now have a ridge in my palate on the roof of my mouth and the entire physiology of my skull has been affected. The shifting of the above has worsened my Fybro Myralga symptoms and created others as well.

I am presently under Maxi Facial clinic in Newcastle 9+ months and no further forward. No medical records have been obtained and it’s taken 8+ months for photos to be taken. The consultant in charge doesn’t seem to have a clue what too do. And is not following the NHS’s own process or procedures properly.

I am very aware that the type of surgery I have had and that I require is very specialised and dare I say it rare.But there are processes and procedures to be followed and we would be a lot further followed. I know this because I am a qualified nurse as well as 40 years experience of my condition and surgeries.

Because of this I am having to apply for a Personal independence Plan (pip) which is a government based benefit for disabilities. Now you can’t see the damage or symptoms mostly internal and physical . So some in aware specialist without appropriate will have to decide my fate.

I was a very popular and busy personal trainer but die to this issue a)It’s not safe to be lifting weights and taking classes (b) the symptoms are causing severe issues  (c) pain and discomfort as well as anxiety and distress. All of which put working,Walking and social activities on a back burner.

I write this not for sympathy but awareness for others, I know I will get there and be bk too 100% soon enough. But there are people out there that are not able too see past there difficulties as easily. Please please please stay strong and be yourself at all times. These things are sent too test us and not define us. I am a proud father of 4 , ex  Scots  Guard,Nurse,Coach and Personal trainer.I write poetry and stories , trying to inspire others along the way as well as bring my children up the best way possible. I am not my face or condition I just sometimes have too stop and take a rest then go again when able.

We the Warriors will win the battles wars are events to over come by adapting they can and will be conquered.

Staring at the looking Glass

The figure dim looks back

The sullen look features  drooped

No sparkle in the eyes

Sagging skin and contorted format

Changes beyond belief

That sparkle gone and spark put out

No sign of life within

Its astounding how it’s all locked down

And hidden from plain sight

Grasping and fighting to get it back

A battle fought on an hourly round

That smile under pinned and replaced by frowns

The mask adorned as I step out the door

A sterling job is done

For those I see don’t find the real me

As they smile and joke along

Oh how I miss that tender me

Hidden deep inside

I know my strength and personable hew

Will return with a flash and bang

But the waiting kills a part of me 

With every second that pass

The sympathy of others just seems 

Too pound in another nail 

Oh how demoralising can it be 

To see that coffin built

No I am not physically dying

Just the fire inside

So don’t morn or cry for me

Look for the heart inside

Hazey  glazed optics

Electrified tingling nerves

Mental mist Clouding judgement

Depressive pain pushing down

Step by step muscles scream

Sinues shredded beyond repair

Medical endused palitive being 

Shopping done kids at play

Weapons drawn on a sunny day

Onwards and upwards the battle cry

Smile on my face song in my heart

This pain is defeated till morning light

Determined and willful onward strides

Warrior not victim the lion inside

Break down the walls flood the area with light

Don’t be disparaged get up and fight

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Thoughtless it seems
Disenchanted with life
Negative balance on thoughts saved
Hollow and void of mechanics
The case sullen gray and lifeless
Opake windows misty and vague
Form limp lays slumped in place

They know not the battles
No one sees the waring factions
Dark mirky mists cloud all around
Outsiders laugh and point
Tattling about thier opinions
Louder and louder
Spreading thier bile and septic thoughts
No one stops to think
Nor reassurances hand laid down
Where is the conform and splice

Reality and passions
Tumble and roll
Punch after punch thrown
Screams and moans the only sound
Never heard or seen
Scars internal mount up
External preasures build
Family,tasks,work and self
Plummet by the wayside
Blame firmly placed on self

Where is the solitude
The freedom of civility
And joy of normalities pleasure
Who stole our smile
The light from our eyes
And hope from our dreams
The sun does it shine
Has the world been thrown into darkness
Or is it just me
Pass me the light
Send the lifeline of peace
No longer can we select the path
Choice has fled our sanity

We the warriors
Don’t fear the dark
But strive Dailly for light and peace
The civilised routes and pleasures
So no one has to suffer our pain alone
Support and comfort
Are our swords gilten edges
Our armour is our safety zone
We ware it with pride
Because of necessity and preservation
The wars victory will be ours
No matter the time or sacrafices

Genetically resembling a number
Inferiorities bound
Holding mentality hostage
Confusion reigns supreme
Visually you resemble your years
Inwardly you continually battle
Disfunction of miss represented truth
Contortion of genetisisms
Growth stifled and slow
Education jigsaw like
Inferior imperfections shine
Believe in yourself
Fight at the forefront
Medicated slowness
Contemptual abrassions
Societies lackluster grasp of reality
Break the mold and rise
Mind of the lost
Who is to judge you
Self worths perpetual motion

Yes I am alive
The mirky grey consumes
The crimson ache illuminates
Solitude in the throngs around
Indemnity against humanity
Fog mists the brain
Eyes sullen with crimson flashes
Deprived of sleep
Restless against the norm
Walking on glass no confirmation
Stomach twisted and tight
Hunched and screaming
Silent utterances aloud to the masses

These are my demons carried Dailly
Without notification
Others bewildered and annoyed
Forming stories and opinions
Never knowing the truth
Ideals conception less
Against my being
Understanding lacking from most
Those in the know assist
Allowing for visual conditions
But the mind is alone in the battle
Cloaked by medical evils
Numbed by the concoctions of drugs
Demons party in my frame
United against my existence
These are mine they ate me
But this warrior survives and exists
To the fullest of ability
Dumbfounding the so called experts

We the afflicted rise
Emblazen trails for others
Drawn weapons strength of mind
The battles won Dailly
During this autrition of war

Darkness I hate you
You haunt me
Stealing my light
And every shade of my day
Dragging me down
Making me frown
Swirled through my dream state
Sleeping with eyes wide
Trembling with fear
Look like a zombie
Sallow and gray
Depressions indemnabilities
Spaced and distressed
Gone is my ego,confidance and more
Shunned by my family
Pushed into the unknown
Left to flail around
On the baronest of ground
Here is my fight
And dreams of the light
Hope limp and listing
Still hanging around
Praise to the gods
For releaf from my pains
But most of all understanding
By the societies hoards

You do not know me
Or the road I travel
Born a gambler
With the deck from hell
Playing the cards
The original dealt me
Poker faced, cold as ice
Devoid of emotion
I sit at the table
Not tell or distinguishing be trail
Play them hard
Keep them honest
The sharks and demons
Fall apart
Far on journeys
Changes of direction
Never swaying true too self
People come and people go
Never a glance or sombre fair well
Those that stay have lived a story
Intersected and entwined of my own
We are true friends family close
Never further than dialling tone
Raise for future ready to battle
Party hard and evils scattered
I am me a wondrous soul
never deflected
Battle scared an honour to bare
Free soul and stronger of nature
I am my self and proud to be so

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Aces high
Cards close to chest
Betting large
Bet after bet
Poker faced cool as can be
Sailing through life
Just being me
Played the cards
Dealt at the start
Praise to the dealer
And strength of heart

Mindful journey

Posted: October 16, 2014 in Random
Tags: , , , , , ,

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Dark and dingy pathways
Illy lit and marred by life
The putrid stench of death
Lingering freely amongst us
Quagmire’s strewen haphazardly
Underfoot
Step placement the lottery chosen
Decisions selective inspiration
Powering the mentalities of all around
Protagonistic intentions drive
Informative educated placings
Stimulating beginnings qwelling endings
Metamorphic meanings and visalisations
Lives true intensions rise and fall
Beaming light in necessities places
Truth, love contimplate sobrieties views
Long winding serendipity frolics free
Walk the chosen in mental and physical living